i've been meaning to blog this

but i didn't really find the right time to.. 'til now.

i just wanted to tell everybody (or nobody) that I have been 

in the front

in the middle

in the end.

I've been first, average, and last.

I've been everywhere.. basically. Not in a haunting sort of way but in class, in music, in sports - and uh, I say this because swimming was the first thing that came in mind. I've gotten a gold medal in some swim competition, I've been average, and I've been last in practice - very last - very very very slowly last. And that happened today - i was very last. very slowly last.

Which really frustrates me because all the fastest swimmers are so good (obviously). The only trouble they have during swim practice is trying to beat their times.  I've had trouble just finishing the set. My muscles are always aching and I'm too embarrassed to ever come back to practice and swim again - with the same very very fastly first people (but yeah, i don't really have a choice but to go)

and i'm always wondering if i can ever be the best (at anything) again because i feel like that just totally skipped out in my life cuz everything i do i feel like ^&*(#$(*#@%. 

and i'm not surprised if anybody (or nobody) doesn't get a clue what i'm saying.

-still hoping everybody's life is better than mine.

ciao